I just threw up on my dentist
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
