God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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