Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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