I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
