i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
