In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
