You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
