wrigley field is MILF paradise
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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