I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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