you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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