im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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