The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i believe in u and ur pee
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry š¬
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
At least Iām an āessential employeeā and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesnāt ask why Iām essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
