She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
