The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
