y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
