Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
