You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
