i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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