evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
