I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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