I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
