Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
