I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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