don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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