My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
