oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Fuck me I smell like cheese
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
