I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
