fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize