Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Come share oat with me in your robe
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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