i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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