It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
