What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
How does one acquire holy water?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
