So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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