i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
