Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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