cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
