its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
