i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
