1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
is that a dick in a sweater?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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