wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
