Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
