I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
