I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
