Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
