Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
