im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
