WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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