how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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