if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
