So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
