you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
