i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
