i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
