this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
