Swine flu. Run for my life!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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