ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
