Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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