Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize