just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
