fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
