fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
