I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
